Post by msm2011 on May 12, 2011 8:48:58 GMT -5
How do you cope with a loss when you do not understand it; when it seems like no one understands it; and it feels as if everyone else can have successful pregnancies and judge you by your loss? That's what I have asked myself the last few months since my miscarriage in January.
I was 8 weeks pregnant when I went it for the first ultrasound in January. My fiance could not be with me due to work obligations and although I was disappointed, I focused on the exciting prospect of seeing our baby and sharing it with him at home. It did not turn out that way. I still remember the akwardness of the ultrasound tech as she searched for a baby and me asking "Can you point it out to me?" There was no baby and as she told me that mostly likely I was or had a miscarriage I felt complete confusion, shock and numbness wash over me. How could that be? I didn't have any signs of a miscarriage. I didn't have cramps or spotting. I never had a miscarriage before and always assumed you would feel something, have some type of warning. As she told me she had to get the doctor, I started to cry uncontrollable. I was alone and had just received the worst, unexpected news. The doctor confirmed what I didn't want to hear- it was a blighted ovum.
I made the decision to not wait and see if I would abort everything on my own. I couldn't sit there and wait for days and weeks for something like that to take its course, knowing I was still "pregnant" but there wasn't an embryo or fetus. I had a D & E that same day with my fiance by my side. Surprisingly, it went well. No complications but it was the emotional side effects that I wasn't expecting. I didn't understand why I had no warning signs. Shouldn't I have had? How is this possible? My loss was magnified because 3 years prior I had an ectopic pregnancy and lost my right fallopian tube. Since then, I was told that getting pregnant may take longer for me and I always worried about the possibility of even not having children. I am just 26 years old. However, the doctor emphasized that at least we know my other fallopian tube isn't so damaged that it won't allow for a pregnancy to occur. He is right but it doesn't negate the fact I just suffered another traumatic loss.
I am angry at the world, at my body. I understand miscarriages are common but that is no consolation to someone who just has had one. I haven't told a lot of family or friends. Those friends who I have told have not been very supportive or told me not to rush having kids or have gotten pregnant or talked about their plans to get pregnant within weeks of my loss. I had someone even ask me if I was sure I had been pregnant because "you know, some women make it up in their heads." I feel like I couldn't tell people because of my friends' responses. My sister was the only family member who knew and although she had a blighted ovum she wasn't that supportive in the long run. I couldn't tell my mom because she is so judgemental. When I had the ectopic, and I was on the pill, all she said was I should have been more careful as I was waiting to be taken into emergency surgery. So, I haven't talked much about it with anyone since January and am so thankful for this forum.
Although time is making it easier, there are some after effects I have noticed that I do not like. I have found my attitude with the thought of having children to be negative. I could almost care less if I ever got pregnant again because I guess I fear that I will have another loss. Has anyone else experienced this? Will it go away? I also shy away from intimacy with my fiance. I don't know if its because I am afraid of getting pregnant again but the thought of intimacy is not appealing to me anymore. Will this go away in time? I also don't understand why menstrual cycles are so messed up after a loss or D &E, whichever is the cause. I have had one/two day cycles since my menstrual cycle resumed at the end of February. This isn't even close to normal for me. I checked with the nurse at my OBGYN's office and all she said was that my body was still getting back to normal and the procedure itself may have impacted the length of my menstrual cycle but it should normalize soon. I don't believe her. Everything I have read since 4-6 weeks you should have a normal period- mine wasn't normal and hasn't been for 3 months. Anyone else experience this or have any advice?
I don't mean to ramble on- I am very thankful for this forum as I have been alone for so long. Thank you for reading my story. It helps me more than you will ever know.
I was 8 weeks pregnant when I went it for the first ultrasound in January. My fiance could not be with me due to work obligations and although I was disappointed, I focused on the exciting prospect of seeing our baby and sharing it with him at home. It did not turn out that way. I still remember the akwardness of the ultrasound tech as she searched for a baby and me asking "Can you point it out to me?" There was no baby and as she told me that mostly likely I was or had a miscarriage I felt complete confusion, shock and numbness wash over me. How could that be? I didn't have any signs of a miscarriage. I didn't have cramps or spotting. I never had a miscarriage before and always assumed you would feel something, have some type of warning. As she told me she had to get the doctor, I started to cry uncontrollable. I was alone and had just received the worst, unexpected news. The doctor confirmed what I didn't want to hear- it was a blighted ovum.
I made the decision to not wait and see if I would abort everything on my own. I couldn't sit there and wait for days and weeks for something like that to take its course, knowing I was still "pregnant" but there wasn't an embryo or fetus. I had a D & E that same day with my fiance by my side. Surprisingly, it went well. No complications but it was the emotional side effects that I wasn't expecting. I didn't understand why I had no warning signs. Shouldn't I have had? How is this possible? My loss was magnified because 3 years prior I had an ectopic pregnancy and lost my right fallopian tube. Since then, I was told that getting pregnant may take longer for me and I always worried about the possibility of even not having children. I am just 26 years old. However, the doctor emphasized that at least we know my other fallopian tube isn't so damaged that it won't allow for a pregnancy to occur. He is right but it doesn't negate the fact I just suffered another traumatic loss.
I am angry at the world, at my body. I understand miscarriages are common but that is no consolation to someone who just has had one. I haven't told a lot of family or friends. Those friends who I have told have not been very supportive or told me not to rush having kids or have gotten pregnant or talked about their plans to get pregnant within weeks of my loss. I had someone even ask me if I was sure I had been pregnant because "you know, some women make it up in their heads." I feel like I couldn't tell people because of my friends' responses. My sister was the only family member who knew and although she had a blighted ovum she wasn't that supportive in the long run. I couldn't tell my mom because she is so judgemental. When I had the ectopic, and I was on the pill, all she said was I should have been more careful as I was waiting to be taken into emergency surgery. So, I haven't talked much about it with anyone since January and am so thankful for this forum.
Although time is making it easier, there are some after effects I have noticed that I do not like. I have found my attitude with the thought of having children to be negative. I could almost care less if I ever got pregnant again because I guess I fear that I will have another loss. Has anyone else experienced this? Will it go away? I also shy away from intimacy with my fiance. I don't know if its because I am afraid of getting pregnant again but the thought of intimacy is not appealing to me anymore. Will this go away in time? I also don't understand why menstrual cycles are so messed up after a loss or D &E, whichever is the cause. I have had one/two day cycles since my menstrual cycle resumed at the end of February. This isn't even close to normal for me. I checked with the nurse at my OBGYN's office and all she said was that my body was still getting back to normal and the procedure itself may have impacted the length of my menstrual cycle but it should normalize soon. I don't believe her. Everything I have read since 4-6 weeks you should have a normal period- mine wasn't normal and hasn't been for 3 months. Anyone else experience this or have any advice?
I don't mean to ramble on- I am very thankful for this forum as I have been alone for so long. Thank you for reading my story. It helps me more than you will ever know.