kel023
Junior Member
Posts: 88
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Post by kel023 on Jan 10, 2011 13:35:42 GMT -5
I'm just in shock. I'm honestly stunned. I have a friend that has a 10 mth old and she knows everything that has happened with me as far as my BO. She had one as well, about a year before mine. Well, she just messaged me on facebook last night telling me that she is angry that I don't comment on her baby's facebook pictures and that I act like her child is non-existent. Then she went on to say, that if I don't except her child, I don't except her. Literally, this was out of the blue.
I tried very nicely to explain to her that I in no way was trying to act as though her baby was non-existent and apologized for not commenting on her pictures. But I mean....common. Seriously?? I don't have time to go through people's baby pictures, nor do I really want to. So, I told her that I'm just still in a sensitive place with all that has happened (which is true). She told me to "get over it" and that I should start faking that eveything is okay in order to recover. Nice, huh? Obviously, her BO did not affect her the same way. Pardon me for being human.
Then, get this. She actually had the nerve to tell me that God will never allow me to have kids because I had an abortion when I was younger. Now, I'm not looking to turn this into an abortion debate nor am I looking to offend anyone. I understand that not everyone will agree with the decisions that I have made in my past .... but you DO NOT say that to someone. You DO NOT. That is one of the most messed of things I've ever heard in my life. Then she went on to say that "everyone" thinks the same thing. Which I know is not true, because hardly anyone knows. She's obviously just trying to get under my skin. I am not proud of some of the decisions that I have made in my past but I also do not regret them. They have made me the person that I am today. I just can't believe this is even happening. This person was supposed to be my friend.
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Post by existential27 on Jan 10, 2011 14:03:21 GMT -5
I'm really sorry your "friend" is acting that way. It's not fair to you, and it's honestly in the cruel category, like she's intentionally trying to hurt you. She can believe whatever she wants, but it's not right to use her opinions to hurt you.
People do cope with things differently. I can tell you that after my loss, I did not enjoy looking at other's baby pictures, or spending time around pregnant women-- which seemed to be everywhere! My sister had a baby a few months after my loss, and it was hard to be around him. I do not believe in acting like everything is okay when it's not-- maybe that makes other people more comfortable, but it's not your responsibility to take care of them. Take care of yourself. Acknowledge your feelings-- stuffing them away for the sake of others does not make them go away, and only ends up hurting you more.
I don't think you'll find anyone on here who will judge you for anything you did in the past. There are things in our pasts that all of us live with, difficult choices and situations. Ultimately, we need to believe in our hearts that we did the best we could at that time, and focus on living in the present.
Big hugs to you!!! KC
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Post by angie1 on Jan 10, 2011 16:20:02 GMT -5
Kelly, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Looking back at my BO, part of what hurt so much was the way I was treated by people I love. I remember my sister in law that was 8 month PG at the time being terribly insensitive to me three days after my D&C. Then when she called to apologize, she offered to let me watch the 4D ultrasound of her baby because it was so cool to see what was growing in her belly...Really?
Anyways, we have all been there and we can totally relate to how hurt you feel right now, from the BO and her words. I just hate that you are having to go through this. I would just avoid contact with her for right now until you have time to evaluate your relationship with her and determine if this is someone you want in your life. I would think that she should understand how fragile you are right now, so I am shocked.
Take care of yourself and only surround yourself with those that will support you right now.
Angela
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kel023
Junior Member
Posts: 88
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Post by kel023 on Jan 10, 2011 19:47:24 GMT -5
Thanks guys....I just needed to hear some kind words. It's amazing how insensitive people can be. Just amazing. There is no need to evaluate my friendship with her. It's over.
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Post by meeko08(Lisa) on Jan 10, 2011 21:10:05 GMT -5
I agree with the other ladies. What was said was horrible. You will heal when you heal and eventually baby pictures won't hurt you (that didn't happen for me until DS was born). Your friend being so rude will not make you heal any faster. Take care of yourself.
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kel023
Junior Member
Posts: 88
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Post by kel023 on Jan 10, 2011 22:13:00 GMT -5
Thanks Lisa. You all are great. I'm just so stunned that someone who I used to call a friend could say something so hurtful to me. Especially over something so trivial as not commenting on facebook pictures. It's ridiculous and very low of her. I appreciate all of your comments and I'm so glad I have you all for a support network. This past year has been a neverending nightmare for me.
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maz1
New Member
Posts: 12
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Post by maz1 on Jan 11, 2011 12:44:16 GMT -5
This person is not a friend, and thank god they are out of your life now. Coming on this site has made me see how common, BOs are, and having just been through it I have been helped loads by the support on here. Everyone deals with it differently, but you will deal with it in your own way, and no once can tell you how to do that. As to the abortion issue, what a truly dreadful thing to say, you have to do what is right for you at the time, and there are no wrong or right decisions here. Certainly anyone who is worth calling a friend will not be judgin you. I hope you have some true friends to support you. Big hugs xxx
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Post by mzr on Jan 17, 2011 16:03:31 GMT -5
Oh Kelly, I am SO sorry! What a terribly selfish b*tch this person is being! I have recently had a friendship break-up over something as petty as a misinterpreted text message so I feel your pain in several ways. The insensitivity of people in this world is shocking to me. And it sucks that you have been on the receiving end at this stage in your life when what you need the most are caring, loving, and supportive people around you. I agree with Maz that this is not a friend worth keeping.
As someone who has cried over a lost friendship and a second lost pregnancy in the past year, let me try to reassure you that it does get better. It took me 7 months to conceive again after my chem pg in April and two months to be able to say the name of the woman who hurt me without crying. But it is happening slowly. Take as long as you need to grieve for you losses, of the baby, of a friend. And be gentle with yourself. My therapist used to say to me "forget taking it day by day. Take it minute by minute if that is what you need." And know that there are women out here in the world who understand your pain, who support you, and who have faith that you will one day be holding your own precious little baby in your arms.
We are always here for you. HUgs, Marisa
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Post by cheri on Feb 22, 2011 19:24:57 GMT -5
I am sorry you were told such horrible things. BO's have a different impact on people. I had a sister of a friend who just kinda blew hers off like it was no big deal. But then again she already had a baby and had not trouble get PG so I think, for some, that may make a difference. No one has the right to tell you how to grieve. No one.
To try and pass judgement about your abortion is just cruel. That is now between you and God. To throw that in your face makes me sick. Honestly it is times like that when we see who really supports us and who doesn't.
If you think you are stuck in your grieving process though, I would suggest a counselor or support group.
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Post by angelisaiahsmommy on Feb 23, 2011 16:01:42 GMT -5
All I can say is how insensitive of her. I can't believe that someone who is your "friend" would say something like that. (however, I kinda know how you feel becayse during my pregnancy when I would freak out, people would tell me to "get over it"..but I was scared! I went through 1 b/o and 1 ectopic! Loss was all I knew. Also, people expected me to be ok after my losses WAY before I was ready to be ok...like..a week after my D&C!) on another note, while I feel the need say, as a precursor, that I do not support abortion, HOWEVER, I do not believe that we ARE our past mistakes, or that they define us and how God feels about us. They do not. God is a forgiving and loving God, and He forgives us of our sins because even though we fall short of His perfection, we were made pure by the blood of Jesus Christ! also, if you haven't heard this song..you should. so should your "friend" "You are more than the choices that you make, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes, you are more than the problems you create, you've been remade. Cuz this is NOT about what you've done, but whats been done for you, This is not about where you've been but where your brokenness brings you to, This is not about what you feel, but what He felt to forgive you, what he felt to make you new!" -Tenth Avenue North "You are More"
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kel023
Junior Member
Posts: 88
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Post by kel023 on Feb 24, 2011 9:47:24 GMT -5
Thanks for your support ladies! While I consider myself more of a spiritual versus a religious person and don't believe my choice was a mistake, I still appreciate your comments. I am happy to say that my "friend" and I haven't spoken since my first post. I have a low tolerance for that kind of behavior (aka ignorance and stupidity). lol. She knows what she said was horrible and she only said it as a low blow.....It was completely out of line though and that's something she's going to have to live with now. To be honest, I'm not even upset about it anymore. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and I'm SOOO much better off not having her in my life.
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Post by mzr on Mar 2, 2011 9:04:50 GMT -5
Good for you Kelly! That is a fabulous attitude to have regarding your "friend". Besides, now you have a little bean to focus your attention on.
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