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Post by tigira on Apr 29, 2010 14:51:15 GMT -5
I wanted to say hello, and finally jump in. Mine is a long story, so I'll boil it down:
Met DH at age 33 (so couldn't start trying in my 20's as I should have). Conceived DS at 35, no difficulty at all (1 month), delivered at age 36. Started trying again 6 months later. At age 37 started fertility treatments. Clomid (3 cycles - two with IUI) IUI (3 cycles with injectible HCG) IVF (3 cycles- one with two embryos to transfer, two with one embryo to transfer).
Eventually my RE put me on Metformin and treated me like the fat girl I am. I tried repeatedly to lose weight - but generally remain obese while working out for an hour a day and eating less than 1000 cal. Yes, this is possible if you mess up your metabolism in your 20's.
Now - have had 4 chemical pregnancies (2 from ART, 2 from spontaneous conceptions), an ectopic pregnancy, and now the BO.
I was crushed. I still am, but now that we have a treatment plan in place with the Cytotec (and Percocet for pain, as needed) I feel a lot steadier - steady enough to write this, since before now, even though I had joined the board, I couldn't write anything without crying and wanting to throw the computer across the room (knowing full well that would not solve anything).
My mother arrives in town for a month-long visit on Monday. I plan to start the Cytotec Sunday night, so that at least the worst stuff is over early in her visit. I would do it earlier, but my son starts swimming lessons this weekend, and it wouldn't do for his informal teacher (me) to miss his first formal lesson.
Anyway, all that to say, "Hi," and even though I have one child, I know the pain of pregnancy loss after periods of infertility far too well.
We will likely start trying again once we get the all-clear from my OB/Gyn, but until then, I mourn. Well, except for right now. Now that I'm coming down of the waves of emotion from the earlier part of the week, I find myself incredibly tired, and I will sleep.
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Post by existential27 on Apr 29, 2010 15:09:38 GMT -5
Joan,
I'm so sorry for all of your losses. You have been through a lot, which I'm sure you never expected after having your DS so easily. There are many women on here who share similar stories of infertility and/or multiple losses, and they are a wonderful source of support and hope. I pray that you will go on to have another child, however that comes to happen. You have found a wonderful place to support you on your journey.
Hugs, KC
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Post by justinsmomma on Apr 29, 2010 15:34:14 GMT -5
Hi Joan,
I have to admit, I read your response to the post below and saw your sig and I wanted to cry...then I read this. I know saying I am truly sorry does not cut it...but I really am so sorry for all you have been through.
I have had three miscarriages myself, one b/o (and shortly following, a dx of hypothyroidism), then my son born healthy without any trouble conceiving in 2001 (maintaining the pregnancy w/some progesterone in the 5th week). I had my 2nd b/o two years later, and then what I suspect was a chem but never had any confirmation. I decided to undergo pregnancy loss testing and treatment with an RE and was found to have an inherited thrombosis as well as a luteal phase defect. After that dx I went on to conceive my 2nd son with little difficulty, and was on progesterone and lovenox the entire pregnancy.
A year and 1/2 ago I fell pregnant unexpectly and suffered my 3rd miscarriage, a chem pregnancy. I know my experience is no where as heartbreaking as yours, but I am here to offer help if you would like.
One thing to consider which I can't glean from your post, is are you seeing a high risk mat/fetal, in addition to your RE? Second, how are your thyroid ##'s, even borderline hypothyroidism can cause secondary infertility, third, a lot of RE's are going ahead and prescribing lovenox during the IVF cycle and throughout the pregnancy.
Anyway we have a few women in your shoes between the IVF and the infertility/recurrent PG loss and we are all here to help. Biggest HUGS for you, and God bless (you def. got here to our msg. board for a reason, this I am sure, even if it's for a HUG or a prayer or hand holding)
HUGS!!
Kris
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Post by lfischer on Apr 29, 2010 15:38:06 GMT -5
{{{Joan}}}
I am so very sorry for your losses and your struggles. I wish so very much that I could take all of your pain away, but know that you have found a wonderful place of support.
I suffered from secondary infertility when trying to conceive a our third child. I had a BO and several failed rounds of infertility treatment at the age of 37 until we were able to conceive naturally at the age of 38.
Please know that we are all here for you and holding your hand tight on this difficult journey.
Feel free to PM me.
Hugs and prayers~ Leah
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Post by mzr on Apr 30, 2010 7:51:31 GMT -5
Oh Joan- I am so sorry for everything that you have gone through. It is just so unfair. I think most women on this board want to throw the computer across the room at some point while posting about their grief. Though each of us are unique with our personal experiences, you are definitely not alone.
In reading your words, I hear your guilt about not starting sooner and I just want to reassure you that despite the label many REs give about "advanced maternal age", you are not to blame for any of this. You clearly found the right partner at 33 years old. It is easy to say, "if only...." but the truth is that you may have had the same problems in your 20s. Who knows? We often, in our grief, choose to look at the glass as half empty. And, one of the amazing things, I think, about the women on this site is that we have all been there at some point and so can help you remember that life is a rollercoaster in itself. You are who you are today because of your experiences. And you have a future swimming star who loves you because you are you.
I know words don't take away the pain. I hope you are able to give yourself a chance to grieve and move forward with continued hope and faith that you will have another baby. Have you considered or tried acupuncture? I had complications after my BO and I fully believe that I have my son because of acupuncture. After my recent chem pg, I have started doing acupuncture again and it is giving me more hope.
Big hugs and please stay in touch, Love Marisa
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Post by meeko08(Lisa) on May 3, 2010 17:51:06 GMT -5
I know the words are inadequate but I am so sorry for your losses. I would not blame yourself for waiting to have a baby. I was 23 when I had my first m/c so I am a firm believer that it can happen at any age and unfortunately there is not always a reason that can be found for our losses. We are here for you any time you need to vent. Take care of yourself. I took cytotec for my BO. How are you doing? I know how hard the drugs can be on you. (((hugs)))
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Post by tigira on May 4, 2010 22:25:10 GMT -5
Well, it's done. I didn't have the nausea or diarrhea or such with the Cytotec that I could have had, so that was good. I took the meds two nights ago, and have been off from work for the last two days. Yesterday I was on Percocet for about 8 hours (two doses), but after that managed with just Advil.
Apparently my doctor was surprised that I would collect the sac and surrounding tissue as it passed, but it made sense to me, so I did and delivered it to the NP today.
I find myself not wanting to face my office full of people who have huge families - everyone has at least 3 kids. I never wanted 3 - just 2. My husband is having lunch with a friend of his who has been accidentally pregnant at age 42. She's a nice person, and I'd like to invite her family to stuff we do - but I can't face her. I hate that she has never faced years of infertility followed by multiple pregnancy losses, and I don't want her pity, because there's no way she can understand how I feel. I would prefer that he didn't have lunch with her, that he not see her at all, ever (they used to date, and I feel incredibly intimidated by her insane fertility), but I can't tell him who can and cannot be his friends. As long as he's telling me that he's having lunch with her, I know that's all it is. I'd be really scared if he were meeting her and NOT telling me about it.
I don't know if I can manage this, emotionally. I really don't. Yet I know if I don't, I won't be of any use to my DH and DS. I also need to be in the office tomorrow because there is work that has to be done, and I do need this job.
*sigh* I do wish I could check out of life for a bit longer.
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Post by Lauren on May 5, 2010 6:10:30 GMT -5
Dear Joan, I am so sorry to read all that you have been through. I hope that you are feeling a little, tiny bit better today. I know it takes a long time to recover from each loss. I have a daughter close in age to your son, and have been trying for 3 years for a second child. I had a BO prior to my daughter's birth (she was an IUI), then another after her birth, and then moved on the IVF, and have had one chemical pregancies and two miscarriages since then. I know all too well the emotional toll that this all is taking on you. I hope for you to have luck soon. Are you talking to anyone about this. In January I started seeing a therapist who deals specifically with fertility issues, and it has helped me immensely. I have a plan now, and am just in the process of going through one last IVF cycle. I will harvest my eggs sometime in the next few days and hope to get enough to do a fresh cycle and two frozen cycles. If I do not end up pregnant, we have decided to do a domestic adoption. It helps to have a plan in place and know at the end of the road, there is a baby for me one way or another.
I am thinking of you and know what you are going through. Please feel free to PM me any time if you want to chat! xo, Lauren
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Post by lfischer on May 5, 2010 15:17:50 GMT -5
{{{Joan}}}
I'm so very sorry. There are so many times that I wish our group could surround each individual in person and help each other through all of these difficult steps.
Please know that we are here for you ever step of the way and holding your hand tight from afar.
Tight hugs and love~ Leah
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Post by carmenivy on May 6, 2010 18:34:48 GMT -5
Joan, I am sorry for all that you have been through. And I am sorry to hear that your husband is going to lunch with an ex, I would be uncomfortable, too. Sometimes men can be pretty insensitive. But if he's letting you know about it, it probably is just lunch.
I hope you can start to heal soon, both emotionally and physically.
(((hugs)))
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Post by bizzare on May 6, 2010 21:38:10 GMT -5
I can only say sorry you are going through all this. The board is a great support group. These are sincere women who know you need to talk about. Will be praying for you.
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Post by mzr on May 7, 2010 6:54:48 GMT -5
Oh Joan, I am so sorry sweetie. I often wish I had a pause button on life. Like in that movie where the guy had a remote control for life and could fast forward through his wife's rants.
But then, I guess, we wouldn't be able to take as much pleasure in the good times because we wouldn't have a sense of how good they are compared to the low points. I hope you are blessed with another baby soon. I too know many women who seem to get pg just by wishing for it or having their DH look at them and it is unfair. But, just as your fertility issues aren't because of anything you've done, neither is her good fertility any of her control. My therapist used to tell me, "try not to look sideways. You never know what is hiding in the thoughts and histories of others, you only see what they want you to see." And I think it's true. Not that I don't get jealous of others. But I don't wish them bad, just wish I could have what they have - an innocence about life and pregnancy.
Sending you big hugs. I hope you are able to find some time to take care of yourself as your body heals. Mani/Pedi or a hair cut. Even a bubble bath with a glass of wine. You deserve it!
Love, Marisa
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