Emily
Junior Member
Posts: 81
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Post by Emily on Mar 18, 2010 16:44:26 GMT -5
Over New Years we were with my family and announced that we were having a baby. My little sister also announced that they too were having a baby (their 2nd, our 3rd). Then on Jan. 21 I found out about the B/ O and I had my D&C Jan. 22nd. Where I am now struggling is seeing my sister, whom I love very much and is practically my best friend. We were due about 2 weeks apart, and she will be finding out what they are having on April 1st. I can't help but have angry feelings and also feelings of sorrow. She is probably coming to visit me this weekend and I just don't know how to deal with the flood of emotions that will come after she leaves. I can keep it together while she is here but it is the after that i am concerned about. To top things off my sister-in-law will also be coming up this weekend and she has 2 little boys (my boys age) and a sweet 5 month old baby girl. I love being with my family and I do fine when they are around, but after I just think about what I have lost.
We are currently TTC and hopefully will be preg. soon.
Does anybody have any coping ideas, when it comes to being around those who have new babies or are pregnant?
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Post by justinsmomma on Mar 18, 2010 18:29:13 GMT -5
Hi there,
I am so sorry for your loss and that you are having to deal with the difficult situation with your sister. I, too, had a sister that was due only about a month after myself.
Honestly, my advice is to let yourself grieve. It is OK to be sad, angry, and hurt. You lost part of yourself when you lost your baby. If you think it will help, maybe your husband can ask your sister to keep the conversations to a minimum about the new baby. As for your sister in law, for me, I was far more jealous with her being pregnant, than with my sister. There is something about the in-law dynamic that can make emotions more difficult. ;( The fact that she has a girl must sting (speaking as the mother of two boys, who desperately wanted a girl)...
Big HUGS hopefully you will be pregnant really soon. Pregnancy is definitely the best cure for what we have been through. Try and keep your self busy focusing on your two beautiful boys.
HUGS
Kris
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Post by meeko08(Lisa) on Mar 18, 2010 21:11:13 GMT -5
I agree with Kris. The best thing to do to deal with your feelings is just let yourself feel them and forgive yourself for feeling that way it does not make you a bad person. Over time it will not hurt as much slowly it will hurt less and less.
Sending you loads and loads of baby dust.
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Emily
Junior Member
Posts: 81
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Post by Emily on Mar 21, 2010 18:06:42 GMT -5
My sister was unable to come this weekend because her little boy was sick. My brother and his family came and my parents. I tried really hard not to be upset when they would talk about my sister, and that she will be finding out what they are having on April 1st. I so badly wanted to yell out and ask them if they understand how hard it is for me to hear about my own sister's pregnancy. I don't want to feel the way I do about it, but I do. It is almost like there are two people inside of me. One who, for the most part, feels great and is okay and handling life. And then there is this other person who just hurts so badly when she hears anything about a person being pregnant.
Knowing that my sister is finding out what she is having soon, is just a reminder of where I would be in my own pregnancy if it had not ended in a B/O. I always get so cranky and sad after my family leaves my house. That is where I am now. I sometimes don't feel like I can explain why I feel this way to my DH. I think he thinks, that I am okay and I just don't know if he could understand that hearing and seeing my family hurts me so much. And how much it hurt, yet was nice to see him play lovingly with my 5 month old niece. It hurts that I am so short with my own kids, and DH after they leave, but my feelings of loss are so much stronger when my family comes to visit. I don't know how to control or deal with these feelings. I need to learn how, because I can't go without seeing my family either. We are going to go to Salt Lake to visit them in 2 weeks, and I know that these feelings are going to come back out again, and maybe even stronger, because I will be around my sister. I just don't know how to deal with my feelings right now, and not seeing my family is not an option.
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Post by mzr on Mar 24, 2010 8:59:00 GMT -5
Emily- Your feelings are not unusual. I have a several friends who were pg around the same time as me when I had my BO. Even though I now have a beautiful 2 year old toddler, I still sometimes look at their older children and think, "wow, I should have a 3 year old right now". I agree with the other ladies that you need to be patient with yourself. To know that what you are feeling is completely normal.
I don't know if you've considered this, but what about talking to your family about your feelings? I'm sure that they notice there is something going on with you and I can tell that you are all so close. Maybe they are afraid of bringing it up because they don't want to cause you any more pain. But, I am sure they will understand. Especially your sister. I'm sure she's thought about how she would feel if the situation were reversed. And maybe getting your feelings out in the open won't make you feel like you have to pretend all the time. After my BO, my therapist told me that you cannot control your feelings, you can only control your actions. And from reading your post, it sounds to me that in holding your feelings inside yourself around your family, you are causing yourself more sadness because it is coming out in other ways - being short with your kids, fearful of being around your family. Who knows, maybe if you are honest with your sister and family about how sad and hard this is for you, you will find that they will be an amazing source of support for yourself.
And maybe you also would benefit from talking to a professional. Even just for a short period of time until some of your sadness and grief lessen. It definitely helped me to talk about my feelings and have them validated for me. What you are feeling is normal! And you shouldn't be ashamed of your grief.
Big hugs to you and I hope that you have a good trip with your family! Marisa
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Post by tigira on Apr 29, 2010 14:16:19 GMT -5
I think what you are feeling is normal. Really. I'm right there with you. I've been there far too many times.
I agree with what folks have said about allowing yourself to feel what you feel without excuses or explanations, without chiding yourself for feeling that way (BTW, I've never been successful at that, myself, but it's a great idea!).
Perhaps, could you talk to your sister on the phone? This is her second? You already have a second? You could find a point of connection, again - or even a point where you have the experience. You have introduced a new baby to a home with a child, she hasn't. I find that when I can be "the expert" on some related topic, I handle the uncomfortable situation that much more easily (then go home and cry or rant). Of course, that's me. YMMV. There was even one time when I crocheted little stuffed animals for all my friends newborns - but one of my closest friends was also pregnant, and I had just started the one for hers when my last IVF failed. I actually called her, told her what happened, and then told her I was very sorry, but I didn't have the heart to finish it. She was very understanding.
I'm sure your sister, deep down, understands your difficulty right now, but it might help to just tell her, and then tell her that, when you finish grieving, you'll be ready to be a new aunt.
*huuuuuugs*
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