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Post by sarahbi on Apr 13, 2009 22:56:16 GMT -5
So, I have had a friend and my mom tell me that I shouldn't have told the family and my friends I was expecting when I did (at 7 weeks). I began miscarrying at 8 weeks and discovered it was a b/o at that time. They've told me that the next time I am pregnant I shouldn't make a big deal about it or tell anyone until I am in in the second trimester. I just wanted to get an idea about what others think about this. I personally do not regret telling people that early and would do it again even after miscarrying. The reason is that it is a really joyous thing, something I really want to have happen, and I feel that by keeping it hush-hush, I'm almost expecting things to not work out. I don't want to sit around for 3 months keeping it secret like it's something to be afraid of. What do you think?
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Post by mulie21 on Apr 14, 2009 2:57:59 GMT -5
I have told alot of people each time i've been prg, i think it helps to make it seem more real rather than keeping it secret, also 'if' something does go wrong then there is alot of support around you at the time you need it most, rather than poeple not knowing what your going through, and maybe mocking you because your 'miserable' i am sorry for you going through this, it is an awful thing, we are all here for you. when you need us.
Julie
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Post by jaimec on Apr 14, 2009 7:35:25 GMT -5
I think its just fine to tell. You know even tho it was hard to tell people i had mc i was glad that they knew cause i was a lunatic there for a while. It will be hard to tell people again but i would rather share my joy at a pregnacy no matter how it ends rather than keep it a secret like it was something to be ashamed of. MC happen we can't stop it most of the time. I really feel we need to acknowledge a womans grief and then joy at a chance of a new life. x
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Post by daffylexer on Apr 14, 2009 8:44:25 GMT -5
It's a personal decision that only you can make. I didn't tell anyone (or at least, very few people) about my first pg, and at the time I m/c I was happy I didn't. But when I was pg with Justin, I found I wanted everyone to know I had two babies, not one. With my most recent loss, I told everyone I was pg after seeing a h/b, then m/c 2 days later. It's been hard telling people, but I found ways to make it easier on me. I have to admitt, it was nice to share my joy with everyone, even if it was for a short time. Next time, I'm not sure what I"ll do. I think I'll wait and see how I feel. Anyway, just do what you feel is right for you. No one else can tell you what you should or should not do when it comes to your children, regardless if it's when you're pg or after they're born.
Alexa
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Post by meeko08(Lisa) on Apr 14, 2009 8:53:12 GMT -5
I have no regrets about telling people. I think if you want to you should be able to share the joy of your pg even if it doesn't stay around long. I told pretty much everyone I know with all my pg and two ended up being m/c and I still don't regret it. I will probably tell people next time too I really want to enjoy my bean for as long as I have it. It is personal though. I was told the same thing as you but I still did what I want. When I told my normally fantastic grandmother that I m/c her answer was "I told you that you shouldn't have told people" like me telling people caused it. I am so sorry that you had to find us but we are here if you need us.
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Post by kathmlm on Apr 14, 2009 10:06:46 GMT -5
I think that advice is very-old fashioned, goes back to the days when people didn't even say the word "pregnant." I think in the past people hid miscarriages and didn't talk about them. So when a woman had a miscarriage, she felt like she was all alone, that nobody else had ever had one. Personally, I think if more people talked about miscarriages and admitted to having them, it would make it easier for everyone to deal with their feelings. And perhaps people would be more sensitive when they hear someone has a miscarriage and not say stupid things, like so many people do.
I agree with all the other ladies, it's your choice as to when to tell people about your pregnancy. Do what is right for you, not what other people tell you is the "right" thing.
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cubs
Senior Member
Posts: 395
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Post by cubs on Apr 14, 2009 12:09:35 GMT -5
We did not tell anyone I was pregnant. We always said we would wait 13 weeks. After my B/O I almost told a few people because I really needed more support. There was only so much D/H could say and do for me. He has been the only one I talked to. This site was also great. I also found it difficult to have my "happy face" on when out with family and friends when really I was dying inside. Next time I really think I might tell people sooner. I think I would want the support of my friends and family to help celebrate and support me if God forbid anything went wrong. Its a hard and personal decision.
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Post by existential27 on Apr 14, 2009 15:25:51 GMT -5
With my first pregnancy, I waited until I had an US at 11 weeks to tell people I was pregnant. My second pregnancy was my BO, which I lost at 7 weeks. Only my DH knew I was pregnant, and to this day, we have never told my family about it. With my 3rd pregnancy with DS, I was so afraid of another loss that I didn't tell anyone besides DH I was pregnant until just after 19 weeks. I kind of had to tell then because I was finally starting to look pregnant, and my family was really wondering. At that time, I would have been content to go as long as I could without telling-- my mind was really messed up.
Now, I tend to think there really isn't harm in telling people you are pregnant sooner-- it is a joyous event, and the support you can get from others can really help. Plus, I agree you need to embrace each pregnancy as if it is going to work out from day one. I wouldn't be held back anymore by fear of loss-- if it happens, it happens, and then you deal with telling people again. Honestly, they are never going to be as hurt by a loss as you are, and you are under no obligation to "protect" their feelings.
I wish you the best!!
KC
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Kara
Junior Member
Posts: 68
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Post by Kara on Apr 15, 2009 14:18:11 GMT -5
I agree with Alexa that it is a very personal decision.
One of the first persons who knew about my PG was my brother-in-law. I remember he told me that it would be better to wait until the end of the first trimester to "disclose" with my parents and friends just in case it didn't work. I told him that it was stupid, that I was PG and that if it "didn't work" I also wanted to share the bad news and have the support of my family. I shared with everybody the happy news... and then the bad ones.
I did regret it cause I faced many insensitive remarks from some people and I also found that for others -like my parents- it became something that "didn´t happen". After brief condolences the topic went out of the conversation... but it is very hard because loosing my baby is a part of me, my life and my experience and I feel like it was not important for the rest of the people. It was like denying his existence.
I felt ashamed of myself and my situation, I felt embarrassed to have had a BO.
But part of my healing process has been recognizing and defending the fact that my baby did exist, that I was his mom and that I lost him and that there is not a reason to be ashamed of that, it wasn´t my fault and it has nothing to do with my value as a woman and as a human being.... if I get PG again I´ll share the news with those who acknowledge that. I stopped caring about the rest and I don´t want them polluting my experiences, good or bad.
Kara
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Post by sarahbi on Apr 15, 2009 20:27:34 GMT -5
Thank you so much everyone! It is great knowing that I am not the only one feeling the way I am! You are all wonderful!
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Post by EGeddes (Eryn) on Apr 17, 2009 10:21:49 GMT -5
My DH and told everyone at 9 weeks only to M/C at 12 weeks. Currently we are 8 ½ weeks pregnant again and I have only told my close knit group of girlfriends. Really telling early or telling later is up to you. If it ends in a healthy baby nobody would say anything to you, but if it ended in a M/C and you may have said something early to people that is a bad thing? What a load of baloney. Do what is in your heart, if you want to share your joy, then share. If it ends badly you will want those you care about around you for support regardless. Take care hun! Eryn
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Post by bgmacaw on Apr 20, 2009 0:04:19 GMT -5
That's a tough one. My mom believes that you should wait until the second trimester to tell. I think this influenced me to be inclined to wait, however, my DH wanted to tell everyone the minute we found out. I ended up telling our families and close friends only. In hindsight, I wish I had told more people so I don't have to feel so alone. I don't know what I'm going to do once I get pg again. I guess whatever feels right.
Lisa
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Post by infinitesadness on Apr 21, 2009 7:07:39 GMT -5
So, I have had a friend and my mom tell me that I shouldn't have told the family and my friends I was expecting when I did (at 7 weeks). I began miscarrying at 8 weeks and discovered it was a b/o at that time. They've told me that the next time I am pregnant I shouldn't make a big deal about it or tell anyone until I am in in the second trimester. I just wanted to get an idea about what others think about this. I personally do not regret telling people that early and would do it again even after miscarrying. The reason is that it is a really joyous thing, something I really want to have happen, and I feel that by keeping it hush-hush, I'm almost expecting things to not work out. I don't want to sit around for 3 months keeping it secret like it's something to be afraid of. What do you think? Hello I am sorry for your loss. I know we all think about this after: was it better to keep it to ourselves? You know I met a girl when I was pregnant and she told me: oh if I were you I would have waited the third month to tell everyone! She had pissed me off with her negative vibes because this is what it is this is not something to tell a pregnant woman, because of what it implies! I was really annoyed. sensitive pregnant woman of course But then I miscarried and think of what she said, bitch! ;D Now I don't regret having told everyone. I did feel very silly to have told the news to my blog one week before I miscarried it was just awful I told the big new and was super happy receiving many messages of happy friends sharing my beautiful time and a week later many sad comments, them, sharing my pain BUt somehow this was the way it should be. I was glad to receive this support! all these messages did help me cope with my pain. I did feel less alone. They even had more kind empathy to give than my own parents. They are adorable but they are so awkward with emotions I also agree with you, that keeping it hush hush means you worry I remember telling a friend, that okay maybe it was early to tell the news but then my baby would receive all of my friends' blessing and so she would be more supported and invited to this world so I do not regret my choice at all. I believe I might try and wait to tell the news if I get pregnant again... but it will surely shows with my excitement and sweet enthusiasm people will notice a change if I want to scream the news I will Because if God forbid it has to go wrong again I will need to talk about it and will need my friends support. so I believe it's better to offer them to share my happy feelings first. Right now I am positive and hopeful things will go fine next time. we've started to conceive right away, 14 days after mc because we felt it was right and wanted. Now this makes me silly and excited. all the previous days I got so deeply obsessed with the waiting AF or not and truly it ended up in headaches (well yeah maybe it means AF is on the way:p meanie witch!) but it depressed me. I was feeling too sad to prevent myself from trying again just to listen to my gyno who said to wait till AF. I know it's then easier to date the conception but I want to believe in Nature and Life ,It'll choose for me what has to happen. so now I enjoy my nurturing positive hopes and come what may I know the blessings in my life here and now. listen to yourself, if you needed to tell the news because you were happy, then it was your choice! People are a bit lacking of sensitivity to say you should have waited? is it so important after all , the result is the same, you are now hurting from this loss so finding out is no use at all. right now you need loving kindness from your friends and family not advice on what you should have done or not,right ? next time, just scream it on top of the roofs if you feel like it,just listen to your heart! I am sending you positive energy, hope you feel better soon take care***
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Post by angelisaiahsmommy on Apr 22, 2009 22:01:43 GMT -5
I told people, only to have it thrown in my face that I should have "waited" I shouldn't have gotten "excited" about it until after trimester one was over...I don't think thats fair to me or to any pregnant woman, or to the babies we carry. being pregnant is joyous, it should be shared, and no one should be made to feel like a fool for wanting the baby they are carrying.
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Post by mimc25 on Aug 4, 2009 7:05:27 GMT -5
I have two live children and this pregnancy which will end in a miscarriage. I wish I had not told anyone because people keep asking me how I feel... I just feel like just saying, "how do you think I feel? lets talk about the most traumatic thing that ever happened to you, how did that make you feel?" I know they mean well but I just do not want to discuss it with anyone, I am not ready. I think in the future if I have the opportunity to have another baby, I will not tell anyone until I know I am in the clear.
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kjm
New Member
Posts: 2
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Post by kjm on Oct 20, 2009 23:43:25 GMT -5
My husband was so excited about our pregnancy that I think he told absolutley ANYONE who who listen. We found out that I had a b/o at our 12 week visit. It was so heartbreaking. At first I wished that so many people hadn't known but I was pleasantly surprised at how much love and support was sent our way. I was also shocked at the number of people we knew had been through this or some kind of pregnancy loss. I think it was really helpful to hear their stories, mostly because almost all of them had gone on to have healthy pregnancies. If these people hadn't have known I wouldn't have had as much support as I did. It was a really sucky experience to go through but if I become pregnant again I think that I would share it. I know I will be a little anxious when I do become pregnant again all the more reason to have family and friends to lean on.
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Post by sereniticat on Oct 21, 2009 3:21:16 GMT -5
I am so sorry for your loss, but you came to the right place for support.
I am not sorry I told anyone. I've lost two babies last year and am now pregnant again. Everyone's advise is to NOT tell anyone I am pregnant until I know " For sure" it will work this time.
I don't care about that advise ! I am pregnant and I want to celebrate it ! And I want everyone I see on the street to celebrate it with me ! It's a happy thing, a thing that SHOULD be celebrated, even it if it ends before it should.
A life created no matter how long it lasts is a life to celebrate.
Sadly, with my BO I had a lot of insensitive people around me and the remarks made were unsettling and unkind. And though there are a couple of people I'd rather not talk to ever again, I think I'm happiest letting anyone who will listen know that I am pregnant !
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mimi
New Member
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Post by mimi on Oct 24, 2009 10:44:20 GMT -5
I personally don't regret telling ppl, but I only told ppl who I thought would be supportive if something happened. So that when it did, I didn't have to "untell" as many. I didn't tell a majority of ppl that I work with for instance. It is very personal though.
Amy
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Post by jujima on Jan 31, 2010 13:29:15 GMT -5
I also have had people tell me "dont get so excited next time" and "dont tell everyone so soon next time" - I was almost 11 weeks when I started bleeding (although I had spotted on and off for a few weeks but they kept saying that can be normal)..... I figure, if I hadnt told everyone, how would I have been able to stay home for 2 days from work? I would have had to basically pretend like nothing was wrong, and that nothing had happened. And I honestly cannot figure out how I will not 'get excited' when it happens again. I'm waiting for my next cycle to start and we will try again - but i think its unrealistic to not 'get excited'. And is it really fair for our babies if we dont 'get excited' I think thats in a way really wrong. We should be excited about them from the moment we find out.... I figure, I'll tell all of my family and friends, but I wont tell work. It was harder to explain and cope with work people than family... One woman at my work came up to me 1st thing every morning and said "you should go to the doctor - What if something is still in there???" I was shocked, humiliated, and appauled by her insensitivity. It was none of her darn business what was happening in my uterus! Yikes.... Anyways, I would tell anyone you feel comfortable with, because there is NO reason not to get excited about it.
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Post by mallory on Jan 31, 2010 23:58:31 GMT -5
Personally, I wanted to keep it a completely secret from almost everyone. When my grandmother spilled the beans, I was called a 'spoilt brat' by a cousin for wanting to keep the news to myself. As this pregnancy ended in a b.o., I was the one spreading the news to the family and mentioned, "Although I was called a brat by some....". I know this was completely irrational and horrible of me, but that assertion hurt!
Anyways, I have received quite a bit of support from family (not from THE cousin, though). I think that next time (if there is a next time) I may spread the news around more carefully.
Please don't allow anyone to tell you whom you should/shouldn't tell, though. Only you know what you need to do.
I am truly sorry for your loss,
Mallory
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Emily
Junior Member
Posts: 81
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Post by Emily on Feb 1, 2010 19:43:28 GMT -5
I don't regret telling people. We only told my family and DH's family and a couple close friends. It was hard to tell them that we lost our baby, but the support that they have given has been wonderful.
Emily
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Post by optimisticmom on Feb 14, 2010 15:25:57 GMT -5
I have a 4 1/2 year old son and within the past year and a half had two miscarriages. With my second pregnancy (first miscarriage), I told close family members and friends. I did not regret telling anyone because I needed their support when I found out at 10 weeks that the baby was not viable. I only told my sister about the third pregnancy, but the loss was at 5 weeks.
I just took a pregnancy test this past Friday 2/12 and got a positive result. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow, and I am really nervous. I am fearing that my hcg levels will be low like the past two pregnancies.
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Post by isavela on Feb 17, 2010 3:18:40 GMT -5
I'm really sorry you had to go through this. I did tell my family and close friends when i had my first bfp and the truth is that 4 weeks later when the bo was diagnosed they supported me. But when i got pregnant the second time i felt i needed to wait until the hb bc i was so stressed that things might not turn ok again and wanted to avoid any conversations about this happening. I think it depends on your mood! I wish the best for you!
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Post by luvmyboys on Feb 17, 2010 16:16:35 GMT -5
We just had a miscarriage at about 9 weeks. Previously we had four healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy & have 4 healthy ornery boys. It is very difficult because I was soooo excited about this baby, and my boys and husband all were excited as well. The worst part was not telling other adults - but breaking the bad news to my children. Even though my youngest is 4 - he totally knows what is going on. He was very excited about the baby and becoming a big brother. Now he gets sad if he even sees a baby on TV - he says that it makes him sad because he really wanted his baby- Talk about absolutely heart wrenching! That is the worst. So given what I know now - I will probably just keep it a little more quite, and tell only our parents. Not because of my fears, but to save my kids any further anxiety and tears. It just breaks my heart to see them sad - I think it is what has helped me remain strong thru this - I have to!
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