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Post by reannalyn79 on Sept 23, 2005 0:45:56 GMT -5
I was supposed to be 7 weeks pregnant this week, but I've just been learned from my doctor today that I had a b/o miscarriage. I feel so devastated. I think that I'm starting feel okay and accepting of it and then I freak out and punch something, or get really sad and start sobbing. I never thought that I would take this as hard as I am. Somone told me that it wasn't actually a baby yet, like that was supposed to make it easier to deal with. To me, in my mind, I had already envisioned this thing all the way through. It was my baby to me. The fact that it wasn't a fetus yet doesn't make it any less difficult, because one day I was pregnant and then the next day it's just me. I have all these people around me who are pregnant and I hate them for being pregnant and me not being pregnant. I know it's wrong and I don't really hate them, but I'm so resentful. I'm so mad and it's so unfair. They get to do all this wonderful stuff that I was going to do and now they get to do it and I'm the one who was stripped of it. I'm the one who has to try to be happy for them when really I think that it sucks that everyone is having a baby except for me. If one more person tells me, "I'm sorry", "It just isn't the right time", "It will happen when it's supposed to", or "It's God's will" I'm going to haul off and slap them. I know that they are just trying to show their love and be kind, but I just don't want to hear it. I'm talking about it, but I just don't want to talk to everyone about it. I wish they would just not say anything. If I feel like talking to them about it, I'll bring it up. I don't want to be everyone's pitty party. I don't want it to be that the family is happily discussing my sister-in-law's pregnancy and then I walk in the room so it's hush, hush, because they don't want to upset me. I feel like some kind of a freak side show. I feel like an idiot for telling everyone I was pregnant this early and now everyone must be thinking, "Stupid girl. Everyone knows you wait until you're out of the woods before you go telling everybody." I feel like they will all be whispering and staring. I'm embarassed. Ashamed. I feel like I have failed. I feel like it's not worth trying again because I'm afraid of being bummed out. I'd be horrified if this happens again. At the same time I get pissed and determined to try again. Like I'm not going to be stopped. Is it wrong to feel upset that I have to throw my neighbor's baby shower in November. I would like to, but I don't know how to feel about it. Is it wrong for me to hate it when my sister-in-law is happy about hearing her baby's heart beat and finding out what she's having? It's like I just can't care. I am mad. How can I be happy for her? What do you say to other people who are pregnant? How are you happy for them when you hate them? Just venting. THANKS!!!!
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Post by kurby68 on Sept 23, 2005 7:12:51 GMT -5
Reannalyn
1st let me say that I am sorry that you have had a need to find us but welcome and know that you have found a place where there are many of us that truly understand what you are going through
I went through the I am ok not time. I would be ok and ten minutes later I was angry or crying or both. It does get better it unfortunately takes time. Time is a hard thing to deal with. We all want everything NOW!!!
As far as it wasn't a baby. There was an egg and a sperm and something after they met didn't work. In my opinion it was a baby and whether someone believes that or not is there issue to deal with. And even if we said it wasn't your body and your heart accepted that "baby" and now you have to deal w/ the fact that it is gone. And it never fails but we notice that everyone else is pregnant and people think they are helping by saying stupid things and worse yet stop talking when we enter a room and man that hurts. And listening to people that "NEED" to tell you how they feel is very frustrating.
You are NOT a freak!!! And you are not "STUPID" You had every right to believe that you would have a baby and wanted to share it with everyone. We all do it and there is nothing wrong with it. Feelings are hard to deal with. We are pulled in every direction and every emotion. Just know that is normal and this to shall pass.
Only you and your dh can decide when and if you should ttc and how you will deal w/ each passing day but do know this you will get through and there are so many of us here that know what you are going through and we will be here to help you along the way. It has been over a yr since my bo and I have learned so much and have grown so much since then.
It is not wrong to feel upset that I have to throw my neighbor's baby shower in November. It is not wrong for you to hate it when my sister-in-law is happy about hearing her baby's heart beat and finding out what she's having? As far as saying anything to others don't worry about it. Right now worry about you and take it onde day at a time.
(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
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shann
Senior Member
Posts: 274
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Post by shann on Sept 23, 2005 8:20:12 GMT -5
Hi Reannalyn, I am so sorry you are going through this. I just had a b/o on the 6th of the month and when reading your post, I would almost swear that I wrote it or that you were somehow in my head.
I have a best friend who is pregnant and is weeks away from delivery. I found the same thing when all the girls would be together and she would start the baby talk, the whole room would kind of hush and all eyes would be on me. It really does make you feel like the freak or that you just weren't able to cut it. I was mad at myself at the beginning for resenting her, but then I realized, I am aloud. I was aloud to be pissed off that this happened to me. I was aloud to be jealous. I was aloud to not want to go out or socialize. I had to let up on myself and alow myself to grieve, however I needed to (and everyday, it was in a different way). Do not be hard on yourself for your feelings. You are aloud to grieve and aloud the time to do so. My m/c was only three weeks ago and even now I can say it is getting easier.
I was, in my mind, a mom from the day that I found out I was pregnant. At that moment my direction changed and I was in mommy mode. That baby was as much a baby to me as I can imagine and I loved it instantly. That was your baby and the way you are feeling is completely normal and you should not listen to anyone who says otherwise.
My thoughts are with you and I hope things work out for you (in ttc'ing or not, whatever you decide). Take care of you...
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Post by andee on Sept 23, 2005 9:29:55 GMT -5
I agree with the above! I told everyone.I was reading to the baby and telling the baby their family tree even though I knew she didn't have ears yet.It's just what I do.I got her brother excited about a baby coming though I don't think he fully understood being a 1 year old baby himself.My husband couldn't come home due to MOS training.Evreytime I tried to call him I would have problems reaching him.I finally let the anger overcome me and I cussed the guy answering the phone a couple of times.I screamed and cried at other times.I couldn't stand going to church because of seeing babies everywhere.I couldn't move besides taking care of my son.The dishes piled up so much they moved from the counter to the other counter.I just felt dead inside.I went into depression.Everone told me you can get pregnant again,it wasn't even a baby yet,etc. same as you.My response was this baby was no less important than my son!I feel she was a girl.I even had her room decorated.I bought her a bassinet and pacifiers.I had people start telling me they to had a miscarriage.I didn't want to hear it.I felt there situation wasn't the same.Then this year I found this site.I found out more of what a b/o is and knew thats what mine was.I love this site.As I tell everyone the love for your baby will always be there, but the pain eases with time.Don't worry about what people think of you.They shouldn't be judging you anyway.They won't understand unless if they have beenthrough it themselves but they could still be more supportive! Hang in there.
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Post by gobigred on Sept 23, 2005 9:32:52 GMT -5
Reannalyn:
I am so sorry for your loss. You can't help the way you feel. Take care of yourself right now. That is most important. You will find much support here. Take it day by day, don't expect that things all will be okay too fast. Put yourself in happy situations. Also, it is okay to be sad, because it is sad! Cry when you need to and smile when you can. Hang in there.
Nancy
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Post by reannalyn79 on Sept 23, 2005 10:47:08 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for the support. I certainly didn't think I would get any responses that quickly. This is a great site. I woke up this morning and was a little bit numb. I knew the next day would be weird. It did seem to help to get a good nights rest. It really is better to give your mind a break and start fresh the next day. I have been told that I'm being ridiculous because I have a 4 year old son, Logan, and they say, "You still have Logan". It's like, okay, but he has nothing to do with this. This was an entirely different person to me and equally as important. I love my son and he is the most amazing little boy. He is well behaved and very loving. I had to explain to him that the baby was in heaven. He said that he wished the baby was still coming and asked me why God didn't let the baby come. I told him that it's because it just wasn't the right time. I know about having bought things. Our infamous outlet mall (St. Augustine, FL ) has a Motherhood Maternity and Carter's. I dropped $100 on maternity clothes that would fit the season and neutrally colored onsie's with teddy bears on them. I also bought the complete bedding set that I wanted. I even have a musical mobile that was backordered that will be coming UPS. To me it was so real and I feel like maybe next time I will not be hyping myself up about getting pregnant until I'm in my third trimester. I'm trying to surround myself with support and talk to my parents, my best friend (who's had two m/c's) and my DH. The first day everything he said was wrong. I told him that if he didn't stop talking to me I was going to kill him. I beat the heck out of my bed and trashed around on it, like I could pull my hair out. I threw grapes across the kitchen. Freaking hormones! Peoplde would have thought I should be committed. I can tell that I'm much better this morning and I do feel confident that time will make it a little easier to handle. My best friend told me that if I need to bypass the baby department at the store for a while, then to do it. I know that when the time comes for baby showers and people finding out the sex of their babie's, I'll manage to put up a good front. I'm not worried about how to react to others anymore, but it's the behind closed doors that I know will be hard. Thank you all so much for your responses. Here's to trying again! CHEERS!
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Post by andee on Sept 23, 2005 14:41:23 GMT -5
(((hugs)))
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Post by justinsmomma on Sept 23, 2005 16:43:35 GMT -5
Hi Reannalyn
First of all, I think we all could've written your post. I have had two blighted ovum miscarriages. Each one was horrible and I could've/should've been committed according to how I was feeling, but I really didn't let it show. The first one I had already bought some maternity clothes and people were giving me things kind of prematurely. When I found out I had miscarried, people felt sorry for me and I gave myself time to grieve and deal because people understood better. Obviously I had to put all the maternity clothes and gifts away. That part is very hard and I remember it very well ((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))) anyway...I got pregnant with Justin a year later, and slowly but surely I took out all of those things, very cautiously, and used them with glee and growing awe. I felt I was given a 2nd chance...but my pregnancy was scarred by my loss in a way that I am sure people who are pregnant after a b/o can understand. I called the Dr. ALL the time, I had no confidence that it was "going to happen" this time around until close to the end. However, he came at almost 40 weeks, perfect and so very worth the wait. Then my 3rd pregnancy came, and I was really not worried at all. I mean, what were the chances of having ANOTHER b/o!? I bought some pink things at a yard sale...I was sure it was a girl. Well at 11+ weeks I found out the horrible news. This time, people weren't so understanding. They said awful things like "well, at least you have Justin".....or, well you just have bad luck...that just broke my heart. This time around not only did I lose a baby, but Justin lost a brother or sister. I grieved for him AND for me. It took a LOT longer to recover mentally from my 2nd loss. I did some things I shouldn't have (like get drunk and take up smoking again)...I felt like a lost soul. I felt like I lost months off my life and wasn't giving my son what he deserved out of his Mom. Around 9 mos. later I started coming around again. A year later I wanted to TTC again. But I knew in my heart that it "wasn't just bad luck"...so I sought fertility/pregnancy loss testing and treatment. After finding out what was wrong with me (I have a genetic blood clotting mutation) I got pregnant right away and have been monitored very carefully. I still haven't decorated my baby's room at 35 weeks but I have bought a few things. It took me until about 32 weeks this time to have that warm and fuzzy feeling about this pregnancy and just NOW I am starting to realize that I am having another son!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes the realization takes my breath away and I just want to cry and thank God for what I have been given. I promise you that your time will come. I am not going to tell you all the niceties that other people are trying to. Right now you just need the support of your spouse and to cling to the precious little boy you do have. I truly truly understand what you are going through. We are here for you and we will just give you a HUG if that is what you need. Stay strong and God bless.
HUGS
Kris
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Post by vernkatherine on Sept 24, 2005 9:42:10 GMT -5
First, let me say it was a baby. Don't listen to those ignorant people. Even if they incorrectly believe it wasn't a baby, common sense should tell them they shouldn't say something like that to you. Second, you are not an idiot for sharing your news when you did. I had 2 BOs - with the first pregnancy I told everyone when I found out. Then the BO. With the 2nd pregnancy I didn't tell anyone - and then when I had the BO I told them. My younger sister told me, "you share the joy with us, you should share the pain too, so please tell us". This time I told everyone again (I'm only 9 weeks). I agree with my sister.
I completely understand your worry about trying again also. I had the same worry after the first; after the second I really questioned whether I wanted to try again. Even my DH told me he didn't blame me if I didn't try again (of course, that was more of a challenge than even he realized). I then found this website. When I read how many other women were in the same situation as me, and went on to have a baby, well, it gave me hope. I am ever thankful to this website and the women here. It seems to me that no matter what stage I'm in, there's someone in it with me or someone who has gone through it. This is an excellent site for support. I am sorry you have to be here, but I'm glad you have this site to turn to when you're frustrated or have a question.
While I know this pregnancy isn't a BO (they saw the heartbeat at 7 wks), I am having a few problems - so this one may not work either. I have decided this is the last time I will try because I just can't deal with the emotional roller coaster. Between my 1st & 2nd BO I waited a year before trying again. Between the 2nd BO & this pregnancy it was about 8 months - you will know when/if the time is right for you to try again. I kind of had to hurry this one because my husband is in the military and was deploying - so it was conceive or wait a good long while for him to get back.
I guess I'm just trying to give you support and let you know you are not alone. We've all been through this - some of us have the same feelings and some did not - but in the end we all suffered the same loss, regardless of how we dealt with it along the way.
I wish you the best and want you to remember we are here!
Katherine
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Post by chell75 on Sept 25, 2005 11:32:21 GMT -5
Reanna, First let me say I agree with all these ladies…you are not an idiot or stupid for telling people. I am honored that you told me. And you are not crazy. You did lose a child. You have ever right to be upset. Every right to throw things. Every right to hate all other pregnant women. And every right to be upset at Jaime. No one should tell you have to grieve. It is a process you have to go through. I don’t know if this is the right thing to say but I am going to anyway. You more than anyone I know, deserve to have another child. You are an excellent mom to Logan. He is a wonderful little boy. But only you will know when the right time is to try again. With all that said I hope you know that if you need ANYTHING at all I am here for you.
Love you and miss you. Machelle
P.S. To all the wonderful ladies who posted here. I want to thank you for helping my friend get though this in her time of need. She is an amazing woman and deserves only the best.
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Post by Egirl on Sept 25, 2005 23:50:53 GMT -5
Reanna ~
Sounds like you have a wonderful friend in Machelle. We are all here to support you through this. Visit us OFTEN!
HUGS! Erin
Mom to Walker (11) and Noah (9) Molar Pregnancy 04/00 BO 06/05
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katiel
Senior Member
Posts: 355
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Post by katiel on Sept 26, 2005 1:27:49 GMT -5
Reannalyn,
I feel for you so much. I think that we've all been in your shoes. Trust me sweetness, you are not the one that is stupid. Others just say stupid things. I guess they don't know what to say.
Your comment about being angry at pregnant women took me back. I remember sitting in my dr's office for my check up after my d&c. I looked at every woman in the waiting room and just hated them. I just knew that they were all pregnant, every single one of them. And I hated them for it. Okay, so the lady in the corner looked to be in her late fifties and maybe couldn't be pregnant. I still hated her. Oooooh, the things I said in mind about these ladies was NOT kind.
So, I'm going to tell you the same thing a friend told me. She's been there and she knows. So, in the words of a wise woman....."You are completely normal. Your feelings are completely normal. Everything that you're going through is totally normal." This has comforted me after my own hysterics after a 1st bday party and after every meltdown that I've had. I hope that it helps you.
Please post often and let us know how you're doing. (((((((HUGS))))))
Katie
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Post by reannalyn79 on Sept 26, 2005 3:16:47 GMT -5
Hello to all. I'm really handling this much better than I was. I've recently dived head first into housework and washing my cars. I did some yard work today. I feel much better. I'm slowly packing a few things for my trip to Columbus next week. The most frustrating thing so far was the comment made about me by my father-in-law. We were expected to attend a function being thrown by a very prestigious club that my father-in-law belongs to. My D/H, Jaime, told him that he wasn't going because he wanted to stay home to be with me, because I had been having such a hard time with the M/C. It was at that point that my father-in-law said, "You know she needs to just get over it. People have miscarriages all the time. She needs to move on. She can't just stay locked up in the house." I thought I was going to rip his head off!!!!!!!!! I was so freaking pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aside from that, I finally broke down and called my sister-in-law. I had been avoiding her because I just didn't know what to do. Plus I was so angry at first, I didn't have anything to say to her because I thought she really sucked. She was very understanding and I probably should have talked to her sooner, but I think it was finally the right time. It isn't her fault and I don't want my gloom and doom to steal her joy away from her first pregnancy. I want this to be a wonderful experience for her. I told her about all the horrible things that I felt, thought and said about her. She wasn't upset. She said that she couldn't imagine and that if I had a hard time being around her that she understood if I wanted her to stay away. I have been writing letters to Logan. I want to keep them until he is older and then give them to him. I feel like I've been so focused on the M/C that I'm afraid that I'm not fully appreciating the one that I have and I feel like crap because of it. I just wasn't a very good mom for a few days while I was dealing with this, that's all. I snapped at him and made him cry and he just didn't understand why mommy was being mean to him. He begged me, "Mommy, please don't yell at me." I felt like such crap! I realized that I have to get a hold of myself! I have to focus and stop letting this rule me. Machelle is the best friend a girl could have. We rarely see each other and dont' even talk on the phone once a month. But when the hard times come around, she is always a rock for me. I just can't thank all of you enough for the support that I've seen. It's amazing! It's been the one thing that has helped me deal. I pray that God bless all of you who read and/or reply to these posts. It's helped so much. Please take a look at my wonderful Logan on my step dad's website at: community-2.webtv.net/njoe57/Home4/GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by lucy25 on Sept 26, 2005 6:58:01 GMT -5
Reanna,
So glad that you are feeling better and have made up with your sister-in-law. Your father in laws comments were, understandably, very hurtful and I'm not suprised that you wanted to "rip his head off!!". He prob spoke without thinking??? - As most men do!!. As for feeling guilty for yelling at your DS, try not to worry so much...he won't remember, just give each other loads of cuddles (it works for me!!) From what your best friend tells us, you are wonderful mum to Logan - who by the way is just gorgeous in your pics!
Take each day at a time and don't be afraid to ask for the support of your family, friends and of course, all the wonderful ladies on this site.
LOL
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Post by kurby68 on Sept 26, 2005 12:44:28 GMT -5
Reannalyn
Your son is adorable and I love the name Logan in fact I am pg w/ a boy who is Logan.
I am glad that things are getting better. I am sorry about you fil.
Take care
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Post by vernkatherine on Sept 26, 2005 17:04:59 GMT -5
Reannalyn:
I am glad you're feeling better. Logan is a little cutie in the pictures. I hope you continue to feel better day by day. As for your father-in-law - just ignore his comments - what does he know about all this?
Best wishes!
Katherine
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