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Post by mdax75 on Jul 29, 2011 9:29:45 GMT -5
Hi everyone,
I have been lurking and trying to get up the nerve to tell my story. I would just like to let you all that reading your own stories and seeing all the support you receive here is giving me great strength. I feel very alone through this.
I'm waiting to miscarry after finding out about a B/O on Wednesday, I'm supposed to be 7 weeks today. I started spotting last Sunday at 6 weeks, 2 days. Didn't think much of it but went in to get it checked anyway, because I had a chemical pregnancy back in Nov. 2010 and wanted to be cautious.
Had an ultrasound on Tuesday which showed an empty sac that only measured 4 wks, 2 ds. I am 100% certain of my dates, so I knew then that this pregnancy was lost. I also had hcg levels checked and they came back at 1852, which I know is way too low. I'm waiting for second set of Beta levels today. As awful as it sounds, I'm hoping that they show a significant drop. I just want this to be over and though my doctor tried to say that there is still hope, I know that there is not.
I'm afraid of what to expect with the miscarriage. I'm an emotional wreck. I can't stop crying. I'm heartbroken. I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter and she is pretty much the only thing getting me out of bed. I kept her home with me today just so I could have her close and to force me to maintain some routine and normalcy.
We are supposed to be leaving for our family vacation tomorrow morning - a week at the cottage. My doc has said we should not go in case I need to go to the hospital. Physically I feel totally fine. No symptoms, no pain, nothing but some light brown spotting.
Am I crazy to leave the city at this time? I don't know what to do and I've changed my mind a million times.
I have so many questions and could keep writing forever - but my girl needs an activity, so I'm going to take her out for a while. Thanks for listening. It kind of helps already.
m.
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Post by mdax75 on Jul 29, 2011 9:34:56 GMT -5
Oh, one more thing, I have another ultrasound scheduled for next Tuesday, so we'll definitely be back in the city after the long weekend. I'm considering asking for a D/C. Though I'd prefer to miscarry naturally, I don't think I can bare the waiting. It's just the most awful thing I have ever, ever experienced.
I'm 35 and desperately want to have another baby. The 'late maternal age' talk scares me, my doctor is very fond of using that phrase EVERY time I see her. I want to start trying again as soon as possible - will a D/C hurt my chances of conceiving again?
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Post by existential27 on Jul 29, 2011 14:31:55 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's hard to know when a miscarriage will start, and just how heavy the bleeding will be. While most natural miscarriages at earlier gestations happen without problems, there have definitely been women on here who had to seek emergency medical attention due to excessive bleeding while miscarrying naturally. So, I would be reluctant to go anywhere where I wasn't reasonably close to a hospital. How far away is the cottage from a hospital?
Having a D&C should not affect your chances of conceiving again. Sure, there are complications in rare cases, but it's just not common. I had a D&C for my BO, and got pregnant with my DS 6 months later. Many, many women on here also went on to have successful pregnancies following D&Cs, as well as after natural miscarriages. There's no reason to be thinking right now that you won't be successful, too, regardless of if your loss is natural or a D&C.
I actually got my positive pregnancy test for DS on my 35th birthday. Yes, that is when the so called "Advanced Maternal Age" stuff kicks in, and I didn't enjoy being labelled that way. I guess what I would say is that if you want another baby, I would be trying again sooner rather than later. It's only going to get harder as time goes on. I think it's scarier when women are in their late 30's/early 40's-- the pregnancy rate definitely seems to drop, although there are have been several successful pregnancies to women on this board in that age range.
Again, I'm sorry you are going through this, but grateful you found your way here for support. We are here for you whatever happens.
Hugs! KC
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Post by mdax75 on Jul 29, 2011 16:24:46 GMT -5
Thanks KC,
I just got confirmation that while my hcg levels did increase, they certainly did not come close to doubling. They went from a 1858 on the 26th to 2006 on the 28th. I'm certain this is evidence enough that we do not have a viable pregnancy and a big part of me is relieved to know for sure what we are dealing with.
I'm leaning towards going to the cottage. The nearest hospital is probably about 30 minutes away. But this is my happy place, and I feel the need to be out of the city and somewhere that I feel peace. Plus, my parents and sister are there, my daughter will be in heaven, and I will have lots of support for the next few days.
On Tuesday I have another ultrasound and blood test. And I think I will ask for a D&C once I receive those results.
I'll update once I know more, but will likely be offline until Tuesday.
Thanks for providing this safe place for support. I appreciate it.
m.
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Post by alspals13 on Jul 29, 2011 17:05:56 GMT -5
I also am so sorry you are having to go through this difficult time. It is something none of us should have had to experience, but hopefully it makes us stronger in the end. I am just finishing up spotting from a natural miscarriage. Mine occurred 2 weeks after the doctor confirmed a BO and I opted for a natural miscarriage. I was lucky in a sense because I started spotting on Wednesday and then had bad cramps and bleeding starting on Friday and then Sunday morning has intense contractions for about 3 hours and then the sac came out. Since then I have been feeling so much better and the bleeding has slowed down every day. Either way you choose will be right for you, the D/C or natural. My doctor rec'ed I wait for the natural because I was very early as well, 7 weeks. As for going to the cottage, I would reccomend doing what makes you feel good and keeping your routine as normal as possible, but staying near a bathroom you are comfortable with at all times, in case the contractions and natural miscarriage start. Although it is rare for an emergency to occur, they definetly do, so do make sure you have access to a hospital. And lastly, do your best to relax and enjoy the mini vacation!!! We are here for you!!!
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Post by existential27 on Jul 29, 2011 19:12:41 GMT -5
I hope you are able to find some peace at your cottage. That's not too bad of a distance from a hospital, but I pray you won't be needing one anyway, and it's great you will have family there with you.
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Post by meeko08(Lisa) on Aug 1, 2011 22:34:49 GMT -5
I am so sorry that you had to find us. I agree with the other ladies the best choice is the one you think is best for you. No one can know how you are feeling and what you need better than you. When I had my second loss my DS was what kept me going but it still took time to heal. I hope your weekend went well and you bring back some of the peace with you. Please keep us updated on how you are doing. We are there for you when you need us. (((HUGS)))
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Post by mdax75 on Aug 2, 2011 11:49:43 GMT -5
Hello everyone,
Wanted to post an update. I did go up to my cottage and spent a lovely two days with my family. At around 5am yesterday morning, I began having contractions which lasted all day (and all the way through my 3 hour car-ride back to the city - OUCH) and at around 9pm last night I believe I miscarried naturally at home. The physical pain stopped immediately. I didn't really look to see what came out of me, but I had been bleeding (not terribly heavily) with some clots leading up to that time.
Today I am bleeding steadily (nothing that I'm concerned about) and emotionally am having a very, very difficult day. I can't turn my mind away from all the "what ifs" when I think of TTC again, and I'm not sure how I'll go back to work this week and face my friends and colleagues (who are wonderful, btw). I want to hide. And I'm so angry at my body for failing me like this. The anger is something I didn't expect.
I have an ultrasound scheduled for today at 3:30pm and I hope that they will go ahead with it even though I'm bleeding. I just want it over with. The ultrasounds are very hard on me, because I remember how joyous they were when I was pregnant with my daughter.
I just want to thank you all again for your support. I hope that if I have any more questions after my appointments this week, and as I continue to heal and eventually TTC again, that I'll be able to turn to you all for answers and reassurance.
Thx. m.
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Post by meeko08(Lisa) on Aug 2, 2011 23:59:30 GMT -5
I am glad things are moving forward for you waiting is horrible especially once you accept the inevitable you just want it over with. I am sure I can speak for the other ladies when I say that there is no doubt we will be there for you when you need us. I have also found that helping others has helped me heal. So hopefully someday when you are ready you can help someone else in your current position. These ladies have helped me through so much and are still helping me. We are almost like a really big family so please feel free to post anything you need to. (((HUGS)))
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Post by mzr on Aug 11, 2011 5:54:04 GMT -5
M- I am so sorry for all you are going thru. I have had a BO and a chemical pg and neither was easy to go thru emotionally. In fact, 5 years after my BO, I still have days where the "what ifs" and the "why mes" fill my brain. So you are definitely not alone. Everyone on this site understands the emotional rollercoaster that comes with grief and loss.
Hugs and know that we are always here for you. Marisa
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Post by mdax75 on Aug 22, 2011 15:04:29 GMT -5
Hello everyone,
I wanted to pop back on this board and just give a final update.
So I did miscarry completely on August 1, at home naturally. My ultrasound on August 2 showed a complete miscarriage and "clean" uterus. I had some mild bleeding for about three days after that, and then it was all over. Physically anyway.
It's been three weeks today since I lost the pregnancy. I have days that are especially hard, I find being at work is the toughest, though my colleagues have been wonderful and super supportive. I feel like I should be out of the fog by now and able to focus and perform well at my job, but I'm still really struggling on that front.
Other days, especially when I'm not at work, I feel really great and quite excited to begin trying again. Of course I'm nervous and scared to have this happen again, but I think, at least one more try is in the cards for us. If we lose another, it will be time to make some really hard decisions. I pray it doesn't come to that.
I think I'll soon pop over to the TTC board. I have a lot of questions about how long to wait, etc. I know that I already ovulated (I can feel it - it's very obvious for me) and we have not been using any B/C so I suppose what will be will be.
Take care ladies, you really have helped me through this difficult time. I wish all the best for each of you in your healing.
m.
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